


I love you more than I love myself

by DeathLife97



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aromantic Leia, Demiromantic Finn, Dog BB-8, Dog C-3PO, Dog R2-D2, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Dynamics, Fluff, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Mute Chewbacca, On Hiatus, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 22:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8419258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathLife97/pseuds/DeathLife97
Summary: “There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply.” ~M. Russell Ballard
Or: Han Kenobi and his adopted brothers Chewie and Finn are the resident outcasts at Alliance Academy, while Luke and Leia Skywalker are part of the golden group with their cousin Poe Dameron.





	1. blades of grass on tiny bare feet

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Atlas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5143499) by [DeathLife97](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathLife97/pseuds/DeathLife97). 



> I want to give a big shoutout to my beta kearlyn for helping me through the creative process. It was hard finding inspiration for this, since this will talk about things that I hold very close to my heart.
> 
> As a sidenote, the family is compromised of Obi-Wan and my OC Calista (played by Adriana Lima), with Han and Rey as their biological children. Finn and Chewie were adopted by them when they were young. If you want a more in-depth analysis of my OCs, check out their story in "Atlas". Link is above.
> 
> You can listen to the accompanying playlist [here](http://8tracks.com/deathlife97/i-love-you-more-than-i-love-myself).

The sound of his alarm was the first thing Finn Kenobi noticed upon waking up. Leaning against the headboard of his bed, Finn stretched his arms above his head until he heard a satisfying  _ crack! _ noise from his left elbow. Now a little more aware of his surroundings, Finn flung the light blue blanket from his body, crossing his room to slap his palm on the snooze button. Yawning, Finn opened his bedroom door to let Artoo in, the white pug immediately jumping on his bed. Finn went to his dresser, grabbing a pair of dark blue jeans and black shirt. After he was dressed, Finn gently picked up Artoo, leaving his room to head downstairs to the kitchen. He set Artoo down in his bed next to Threepio, the golden retriever still soundly asleep. Not even his best friend climbing on his back could wake him up. “Morning, Mom,” Finn said, giving Calista Kenobi a kiss on the cheek when he entered the kitchen.

“Morning, sweetie,” Mom said as she finished packing lunch for her four children. “How are you feeling?” she asked, something she asked him every morning since he began living here. Finn shrugged, grabbing the Cheerios for himself and Reese's Puffs for Rey and Han. “Dreamless?” Finn nodded. Mom smiled, resting a hand on the crown of her son’s head as he passed her to get to the fridge. “Just one more year, then you can start on becoming the best therapist ever, ok?” Mom teased, not wanting to put too much pressure on her teenage son.

Finn smiled. “As long as you’re still proud of me.”

“I’ll  _ always _ be proud of you. Even if you decide to be a coke dealer.” Mom smiled as Finn laughed, reaching behind him to grab the milk from the fridge. “Though don’t sell any to your sister. Then I’ll have a bone to pick with you.” Finn crossed a hand over his heart. “Good, glad that's settled. Not eat. Rey wants to take pictures with all of us before her first day of kindergarten.”

“I still need to brush my teeth and put on my shoes. I got too hungry,” Finn said, sounding excited.

“We have twenty minutes before we need to leave, so you’ve got plenty of time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to wake your brothers,” Mom said, filling the wake-up bucket with cold water.

“Good luck. Do you want me to get Rey ready?” Finn asked, setting the milk down next to the Cheerios box.

Mom shook her head. “Your father can do it. You just worry about yourself today, ok?”

“I’ll try, Mama,” Finn told her truthfully, ducking his head in embarrassment.

“That’s all I ask.” With that said, she left the kitchen to go down to the basement. Finn poured the milk, wishing Chewie a good morning when he entered the kitchen fully dressed sans shoes. Chewie grabbed one of his breakfast bars, sitting across from Finn at the kitchen island. They both started snickering when they heard Han shout. Their mother came in a few moments later with an empty bucket and a smug grin on her face. “I told Han that it didn’t matter how messy his room was, nearly ten years of being a softball player guarantees I’ll hit my target.”

Chewie sets down his granola bar.  **_Han isn’t very smart in the morning_ ** , he signs.

“Yeah, I know. Your aunt was the same way before having Kylo. I had fun laughing at her for that.”

**_You still do_ ** , Chewie said.

“You’re damn right I do. It's hilarious, considering she used to make fun of me,” Mom  said, smoothing over Chewie’s wild brown hair. “Good morning, Charles. Did you sleep well?”

**_Yes, Mama. I’m excited to start classes._ **

“Glad one of us is,” Han grumbled from the doorway. His hair was still wet, but the rest of him was fortunately not dripping water onto the floor. He was wearing a white wife-beater, his favorite leather jacket and blue jeans. “I can’t wait for college. Classes after 10 AM, people who are actually smart―”

**_Being able to daydream about Luke Skywalker in peace._ **

Han smacked Chewie’s shoulder lightly, causing the much-taller boy to readjust his “Charlie Brown” t-shirt. Han had a slight blush on his cheeks. Their mother smirked but decided not to be mean to her son by teasing him. It wasn’t a secret among the family that Han had a crush on Luke Skywalker since freshman year when the blonde boy stood up for him. Snoke, Hux, and Phasma always had it out for the brothers, always having to be careful lest they face the wrath of the Skywalker siblings. Not as bad as their parents’ fury, but still. “Shut up, Chewie,” Han said, still blushing. “Pass me a bowl, Mom? Please?”

Mom grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, handing to her son across the kitchen island. “Here you go. Did you remember to pack everything for school? I don’t want to hear later that you forgot something.”

“Chewie and Finn nagged me into it last night,” Han said, pouring some Reese's Puffs into his bowl. Finn passed him the milk before continuing to eat his own breakfast. “Thanks,” Han said absentmindedly before adding milk. Stuffing his face effectively ended any conversation that could’ve taken place. Finn felt bad about the teasing (though he had done nothing to warrant the guilt), so he laid a hand down towards Han. Looking down at the upraised hand, Han didn’t hesitate in taking it in his own. It was always something they did whenever one of them was uncomfortable, ever since Finn was adopted. Finn squeezed once before letting his brother’s hand go to put his bowl in the sink. Not a second later, Rey came bounding in, Dad not far behind her. Han smiled as his youngest sibling held her arms up for Finn to pick her up. “Morning, Rey,” Han said as he got up to grab a bowl for Rey.

Rey smiled. “Do you like my hair?” she asked, shaking her head to make her three little buns bob back and forth.

Mom smiled at Rey as her husband gave her a kiss on the cheek. “They look so awesome. Good job, Obi.”

Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled at Calista. “I try.”

“Do or do not, there is not try,” Mom quoted Principal Yoda, smiling when Dad rolled his eyes in fond exasperation. “C’mon, Rey,” she said, grabbing Rey from Finn and sitting her down next to Chewie, “eat your breakfast so we can meet with Auntie Asha, ok?” Rey ate her cereal enthusiastically, sloshing milk onto the table. “Eat a little more slowly, sweetie.” Rey looked down at her cereal. Mom kissed her daughter’s forehead, a sign of forgiveness for Rey’s natural behavior. “It’s ok, love,” Mom continued soothingly, cheek resting on Rey’s forehead as she hugged the small body beneath her. “We have all the time in the world right now.” Rey nodded, though she didn’t look pacified. Mom pursed her lips in contemplation. “It’s ok to be excited about new things, sweetie. You should have seen your daddy on his first day of college.”

Dad groaned, setting down his coffee mug. “You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?”

Mom snickered. “Now why would I ever do that?”

“What about when you found out you were pregnant with Rey? The doctor was worried something was wrong, with the way you were freaking out,” Dad pointed out.

Mom smiled at the memory. “No one was complaining when we went out for dinner that evening.” Mom looked at Rey, poking her stomach lightly. “Your brothers couldn’t keep their hands off my belly. They were so excited for a little sister.”

Rey’s eyes were wide in wonder. “Really?”

“Of course we were,” Finn said from his position leaning against the sink. “We couldn’t wait to see you. Those were the longest seven months of my life.”

“I think you’re thinking of school, Finn,” Han joked.

Finn rolled his eyes. “I’m going to let the dogs out. Is that ok?” he ask his parents.

“Do you have everything ready for school?” Dad asked. Finn nodded. “Ok, then. Try to be back in ten minutes.”

“I’ll try. Artoo seems energetic this morning,” Finn said, walking into the living room. Threepio was now wide awake, waiting patiently for someone to let him outside. Finn always thought it was cute how Artoo and Threepio were best friends, even though they were complete opposites. It reminded him of how Chewie was calm while Han always had energy, no matter the time of day. “Artoo, Threepio, come here,” Finn called, kneeling down when the dogs began jumping on his legs. Artoo immediately went to lick his face while Threepio only wanted a scratch behind his left ear. Finn gave them what they wanted, flinching back when Artoo’s tongue came too close to his mouth. Lifting Artoo into his arms, he got up and led Threepio down the small hallway to the backyard. The backyard wasn’t big enough to be overbearing, but enough that it made the house more lived-in. Artoo immediately ran to get his bone once Finn set him down, while Threepio went to his favorite spot at the base of the huge oak tree. Artoo ran back to Finn, dropping the bone at his feet. Finn indulged Artoo in a tug-of-war. This was always one of his favorite things to do, as it allowed Finn the time by himself that he so rarely got before his adoption.

“Feeling better?” his mother asked, breaking him from his thoughts.

Finn nodded, scooting over a little so Mom could sit next to him on the grass. “It’s nice to enjoy the sun before school,” Finn said, letting go of the bone so Artoo could win.

Mom smiled as Artoo bounded over to Threepio to show the other dog his prize. “Whatever makes you happy.” A pause. “I forgot to ask: do you want dinner before or after you see Maz tonight?”

“Before.” Maz Kanata was Finn’s therapist. He’d been seeing her every Monday for the past eleven years. “Rey will probably be hungry before we leave.”

“Ok. We’re gonna have dinner with you dad’s parents tonight. Is that ok, or is that too much for one day?”

“I should be fine. If not, I’ll take Artoo and Threepio for a walk.” Finn reassured her. The dogs always calmed Finn in the midst of a panic attack. They worked better than many of the meds he’d had taken for his depression and anxiety.

Mom nodded, getting up. “C’mon, let’s go take pictures.” When Finn stood up, Mom held her arms open, giving Finn the choice for physical contact or not. Finn wrapped his arms around his mother, returning her hug. “You’ll always have us, Finn. No matter what,” Mom whispers. Finn squeezes her affectionately before letting go. They enter the house, locking the door but leaving the doggie door open in case the dogs wanted back in. Entering the kitchen, they found Rey bouncing up and down excitedly in her chair. Han had his head in his in his arms, with Chewie and Dad absent. Mom picked up Rey, setting the small girl on the ground. “Why don’t you find Chewie and walk down to Aunt Asha’s house?”

Rey squealed, causing Han to jolt awake before running out of the room to find her brother. “Rude,” Han grumbled.

Mom smirked. “Now that you’re awake, put on your shoes and put your bag in the car. Tell your aunt I’ll be there soon when you head over please.”

“Ugh, fine,” Han sighed dramatically, dragging Finn out of the kitchen with him. “I can’t wait to be starting at Berkeley next fall,” Han grumbled, sitting down on the ground to tie his black high-tops. Han had decided to become a history teacher the summer before sophomore year after the family took a three-week trip to Rome. It was also at that time that Finn decided what his path in life was with children like him. “I get to surround myself with musty books in the oldest part of the library, just me and my thoughts.”

“And Chewie,” Finn added, grabbing his white combat boots and leaning against the wall to put them on.

“Chewie will only bother me if he wants to talk. He knows how much I love history,” Han countered, standing up. “Besides, he’s gonna be elbows deep in their engineering program, so I’ll be lucky if I see him at all.”

Finn smirked at his brother. They brushed their teeth before leaving the house, dropping their bags in the car before walking to Aunt Asha’s house. “I still can’t believe we start college next year.”

Han laughed, bumping his hip lightly into Finn’s. “Feels like yesterday that Mom and Dad told me I was going to get two brothers. I remember losing my shit. I ran around the house, screaming about being a brother.”

Finn chuckled. “That doesn’t surprise me. You were bouncing up and down in your seat when we met. I’m surprised you didn’t tackle me the moment you saw me.”

Han shook his head. “Mom tried to explain to me about how you didn’t like being touched. I didn’t understand, but I knew I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Finn looked up at the sky, grateful for Calista’s kindness. Yet a part of him felt guilty over it, but he forces that down. “I don’t care what other people say: you’re a good person, Han Kenobi.”

“Well, obviously. Just because other can’t see the dashing vagabond doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

Rolling his eyes, Finn walked to the side gate leading to his aunt’s backyard. Immediately after opening the wooden gate, Finn was tackled around the waist by a small figure with a black mop of hair. Smiling, the older boy picked up his young cousin, resting him on his hip. “Hey, Kylo. How are you doing?” Finn smiled as Kylo started babbling about how excited he was. Something about Mr. Fett, Rex’s dad. Finn vaguely remembered Han telling him that Cody Fett was one of the best teachers he’d ever had... besides their own parents, of course. Kylo was still bouncing in Finn’s arms and talking a mile a minute as Finn walked over to Aunt Asha and Uncle Caleb. “Mom said she’ll be over soon.”

Aunt Asha snorted. “Not surprised. Probably doesn’t want to forget her sketchbook this time. How about you, Han and Chewie take your picture first? My sister will hopefully get here before Kylo and Rey start getting finicky.”

“What about Finn?” Kylo asked innocently as Finn set him down.

“Nothing,” Uncle Caleb said while Chewie silently snickered. “Now, let’s sit on the steps, and you can do whatever you want.” Unlike their house, the Ren household had a back patio with stairs leading down to their backyard. The brothers sat down on various steps: Chewie on the top step to accommodate him 6’4 frame, with Han and Finn on the third step on either side of their gargantuan brother. Han went for a ‘dashing space vagabond’ look, sliding his hands into his jacket pockets, stretching his legs out and crossing them at the ankle. Chewie rolled his eyes before copying his brother. And that was how the Kenobi boys took their senior photo: somehow managing to look cool. Uncle Caleb smiled the entire time, with Mom having to lean against Dad as she howled in laughter when they arrived. “Rey, why don’t you join your brothers?” Uncle Caleb suggested. Rey bounded towards her siblings, choosing to sit on Han’s lap as the brothers repositioned closer to each other. They took a few more pictures before Kylo and Rey took theirs.

After they were done, Mom and Aunt Asha strapped Rey and Kylo into the booster seats of the Ren’s Chevy. “You have fun at school, ok? Your grandparents will pick both of you up around one. Be good, baby,” Mom said, kissing Rey’s forehead. “Love you.”

“I love you, Mama,” Rey replied, hugging her. “Love you, Daddy,” hugging Dad. “Love you, brodas,” waving at her siblings as Aunt Asha and Uncle Caleb got in the car and drove their child and niece to Coruscant Elementary.

The corner of Mom’s mouth lifted up in a small smile. “I still remember when we dropped Han off for his first day of kindergarten. Time truly does fly when you’re having fun.”

“That’s only because I was such an adorable child,” Han joked.

“You keep telling yourself that, hon,” Mom said, walking back towards the side gate. “Now, let’s get you boys to school so you can complain to me and your father later.”


	2. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into how Calista and Obi-Wan met. They are approximately sixteen, in case it isn't mentioned in the story. Hope you enjoy this little interlude :)

_ “I still do not understand why you want me here, Asha,” Calista said to her twin sister, “you could have just called me when you were done getting drunk off your ass.” _

_ Asha smirked, blue eyes calculating. “Because, Mom and Dad are worried about you. The only person you talk to besides me and Maylee is Principal Yoda. You have no friends your age.” _

_ Calista sighed. “Because I am too different from everyone else. I do not share their interests. They want nothing to do with me.” _

_ "Of course they do―” _

_ "Only because of our relation. Because they think we are one in the same when we are not. Now, I am going to go find an empty room. If anyone touches you sexually, I  _ will _ hurt them.” Calista smiled at her sister before entering the house. It was like a scene taken from a typical teen movie: blaring bass music, flashing multi-color lights, red Solo cups strewn everywhere, bodies grinding against each other, etc. Calista grimaced at the sight, shoving her way through the masses to get to the kitchen.There she found the football team chanting “chug!” as their star quarterback Xanatos Jinn guzzled beer from a plate.  _ I don’t even want to know _ , Calista thought to herself as she rifled through the fridge for something non-alcoholic. She almost shouted in glee when she found a six-pack of Coke near the back. Cal grabbed two cans plus a bottle of water before bolting from the room. _

_ After some more stumbling through the crowd, she found an empty room, most likely the library. It was very ornate, with oak bookcases and plush loveseats. On one of the loveseats sat a boy around her age, having a panic attack. Calista dropped her drinks on the ground, rushing over to the boy’s side. “Hey, look at me,” she said soothingly, not touching him. His grey eyes met her green ones, tracking her movements as she knelt in front of him. “I need you to try to control your breathing. It will wake a few tries but you  _ can _ do it. I have faith in you.” _

_ The boy nodded. After a few attempts, the other teen managed to get his breathing back under control. “Thank you,” he said, voice hoarse. _

_ “No problem. I am Calista Xenodust,” Cal said. _

_ “Obi-Wan Kenobi,” the boy said, holding out his hand. Calista hesitated a moment before taking the hand in her own. She was surprised at the heat that ran up her arm from their hands. Calista immediately disregarded this as a thrill of meeting a new person. “If you don’t mind me asking, but what are you doing here? It doesn’t seem like your type of party.” _

_ “It is not. I am just here to make sure my sister does not get into trouble. Knowing her, though, she will need my help by the end of the night.” _

_ “I don’t think I've seen you around school,” Obi-Wan remarked. _

_ Calista smiled sadly. “I would be surprised if you noticed me. You would undoubtedly recognize my twin Asha.” _

_ “She’s never talked about you.” _

_ "She never does. I made sure of that.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Because I do not wish for friends who only care of my wealth and familial influence. I cannot  _ stand _ shallow people.” _

_ “I know how you feel,” Obi-Wan said with a laugh. _

_ “I figured you would. You may not know who I am, but I know of you. You are Xanatos’ adopted brother. Our siblings nearly dated.” _

_ “Really? Usually Xanatos stops at nothing to get what he wants.” _

_ This time Calista smirked proudly. “Between me and my sister’s best friend Caleb, we managed to dissuade her.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ "You ask a lot of questions,” Calista remarked, laughing when Obi-Wan blushed. “That is amazing. It means you are curious, and that is a good thing. Never be dissuaded from asking questions. And I did that because Xanatos would not have been good for her. She needs someone who cares not only for her, but others. Someone who realizes that high school does not define who you are for the rest of your life.” _

_ “I hope not! I don't wanna be known as Oafy-Wan for the rest of my life.” _

_ Calista tilted her head. “Who called you that?” _

_ “Uhhh...” Obi-Wan hesitated for a second for speaking again, “Bruck Chun called me that in middle school when I accidentally tripped him in the cafeteria. The name has stuck since.” _

_ “That is horrible. So you made one mistake― big deal. Everyone does. That’s what life is about.” She narrowed her eyes when Obi-Wan chuckled. “What?” _

_ Obi-Wan shook his head, still smiling. “That was the first time I heard you use a contraction.” _

_ Calista paused. “I only do that because otherwise people will treat me like Asha. They expect me to be her.” _

_ "Yeah, I understand that. People want to me to be athletic like Xanatos, but that’s just not who I am.” _

_ “Amen,” Calista said. They let the silence lapse when Calista stood up and retrieved her drinks. She sat next to Obi-Wan and handed him the Coke and water. Setting down her Coke on the side table, Cal ventured out again, coming back with a few more bottles of water. “Here,” she said,  handing him another bottle. _

_ "Thank you,” Obi-Wan said, taking a big swig from the bottle. _

_ “It’s no big deal. Caleb has anxiety too. Asha and I asked his therapist how we could help during such attacks. She told us that just being there helps him greatly. Since I’m the calm one between me and my sister, I usually help him through them.” _

_ “That’s cool, though. You can help people.” _

_ Calista shook her head. “That’s not what I want to do with my life. I actually want to be an art teacher.” _

_ “So do I! Well, not art. I want to be a science teacher. Biology’s my favorite subject.” _

_ Calista smiled softly at her new friend. “It seems to make you happy. So don’t give upon it. Deal?” _

_ Obi-Wan looked down at the hand being offered to him before smiling as well. “Deal,” he said, grasping his hand in hers― _

“And that’s how I met your father,” Calista said to a sleepy Rey.

“Why didn’t you wanna go?” Rey asked, yawning loudly.

“Because I wanted to stay home. But if it wasn’t for that night, I wouldn’t have met your daddy. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have Han, or Chewie, or Finn, or you. And I love you so much, I don’t want to think about my life without you.” Rey mumbled something incoherent, making Calista smile. “Go to sleep, sweetie. You don’t wanna be late for your first day of kindergarten.”

“Sing,” Rey mumbled.

Without missing a beat, Calista started singing a song that her own mother sang to her:

“[Around the world](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAQSSdtiskY), I search for you.  
I travel on when hope was gone to seek a rendezvous.  
I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow.  
For in New York, or in Paris, or even Londontown.  
No more will I go all around the world,  
For I have found my world in you.”

She smiled again, leaning down to kiss Rey’s forehead. “Goodnight, love,” she said to her sleeping daughter. She left Rey’s room slowly, careful not to make too much noise.

“Nice story,” Obi-Wan said, leaning against the wall next to the door.

“I had to edit some parts out, but I thought it was cute.” Calista hugged her husband feeling his hands rest on the small of her back. “This may not be what we dreamed about on the night we first met, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.”

Obi-Wan huffed a breath into the top of her head. “Neither would I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, the party is at Bruck Chun's house. If you aren't too familiar with the Jedi Apprentice series, he was Obi-Wan's rival amongst the Jedi initiantes. If you haven't read them, I suggest checking them out. I loved the series so much growing up.
> 
> As always, leave your comments and ideas about future chapters/

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a review commenting about what you think of this. This was originally written for the Star Wars Big Bang that is no longer happening. If you have any suggestions about what you want to see, let me know. I always love hearing from you guys. And I know that the tenses switch, I'm so sorry that I couldn't catch all of them.


End file.
